All I want is to know that things will not be the same. I am constantly told to put my trust in the Lord, and I do. But what is so difficult is letting Him decide my future when I so badly do not want to be here.
I just want someone to tell me that things will get better.
Also, I really don't like it when you say you're my friend and then we barely talk. Ever. And you just go on and text every other freaking person we know. Thanks bunches.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
You Said
You said you understood. You said you wouldn't do this.
I CANNOT BE AROUND HER.
What part of this do you not understand. I cannot imagine how you don't comprehend this. After we had about an hour discussion you still do it. You cannot keep doing this. Not only can I not handle it but neither can our roommates, and it's bad for you too.
You said that she would not be over every night.. but I cannot remember a night when she has not been over.
You said that you understood that you didn't have to babysit.. yet you center your world around her.
You said that you would be careful.. yet she dominates everything.
You cannot even wrap your head around how bad last year was for me. You can't; either that or you don't want to. And 99% of why last year was so horrible was because of her. You don't understand and I guess you won't until it happens to you. And I hate watching you go through it because I can see the tell tale signs; you're crabby constantly, you do things based on if she is going to be there or not, or also if she is drinking or not, she is constantly over, you have not been to bed before 1am in nights.
I am trying to help. I tried to tell you within the first couple days I was here that this wasn't going to fly. I tried to help you find other things to do. I tried to talk to you about disconnecting from her. I tried to tell you that she has to hit bottom, but you WILL NOT LISTEN.
I can't do it anymore. I can't. It is wearing me out and I am not even close to her. After all of this crap, you better not get mad at me for leaving tonight. If you dare, I will call you out on it. I can guarantee that it will not be pretty; because you may not realize this but out of the 4 of us you are the only one that wants her there.
Try. Just try to see it from my side. Try to put yourself where Iw as last year and then have her around all the time. ALL. THE. FREAKING. TIME.
I can't do it. I can't. So sorry that I went upstairs, but I will be here until she is out of MY house.
I CANNOT BE AROUND HER.
What part of this do you not understand. I cannot imagine how you don't comprehend this. After we had about an hour discussion you still do it. You cannot keep doing this. Not only can I not handle it but neither can our roommates, and it's bad for you too.
You said that she would not be over every night.. but I cannot remember a night when she has not been over.
You said that you understood that you didn't have to babysit.. yet you center your world around her.
You said that you would be careful.. yet she dominates everything.
You cannot even wrap your head around how bad last year was for me. You can't; either that or you don't want to. And 99% of why last year was so horrible was because of her. You don't understand and I guess you won't until it happens to you. And I hate watching you go through it because I can see the tell tale signs; you're crabby constantly, you do things based on if she is going to be there or not, or also if she is drinking or not, she is constantly over, you have not been to bed before 1am in nights.
I am trying to help. I tried to tell you within the first couple days I was here that this wasn't going to fly. I tried to help you find other things to do. I tried to talk to you about disconnecting from her. I tried to tell you that she has to hit bottom, but you WILL NOT LISTEN.
I can't do it anymore. I can't. It is wearing me out and I am not even close to her. After all of this crap, you better not get mad at me for leaving tonight. If you dare, I will call you out on it. I can guarantee that it will not be pretty; because you may not realize this but out of the 4 of us you are the only one that wants her there.
Try. Just try to see it from my side. Try to put yourself where Iw as last year and then have her around all the time. ALL. THE. FREAKING. TIME.
I can't do it. I can't. So sorry that I went upstairs, but I will be here until she is out of MY house.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Stressed
It's my summer. I've been out of classes since May 2nd, and I think I am stressed more than ever. After a sister's near death, another sister's tumor, finals, sorority crap, other life stresses, then getting a speeding ticket, dealing with crazy roommates, and trying to get pumped for camp; I am going to lose it. Honestly. I don't even know what I want to DO with my life anymore.
I want to go to camp and be away from everything. I need to be away from my sisters, away from Winona, and just out. I have to be up in Hackensack just so I can clear my head. My sister almost died. The other one only has a couple months. I didn't end the semester how I wanted to. I don't know what to do with the sorority. I have never been pulled over. My roommates are freaking crazy, and have been all year. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up or what to change my major to or if I even want to STAY at Winona. Who knows. I applied to two other schools, maybe I'll apply to more.
Not going crazy is going to be harder than it looks.
CAMP: 10 days :D
I want to go to camp and be away from everything. I need to be away from my sisters, away from Winona, and just out. I have to be up in Hackensack just so I can clear my head. My sister almost died. The other one only has a couple months. I didn't end the semester how I wanted to. I don't know what to do with the sorority. I have never been pulled over. My roommates are freaking crazy, and have been all year. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up or what to change my major to or if I even want to STAY at Winona. Who knows. I applied to two other schools, maybe I'll apply to more.
Not going crazy is going to be harder than it looks.
CAMP: 10 days :D
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
What I DO With My Life
I do nothing. I do nothing at this $8000 school. I do nothing but study. It was almost 65 degrees today and do you know what I did? I was in the library from 1:30 to 5 and now I'm in class. I study. Daily. For hours. And it wasn't like this freshman year. Yeah, I studied. But NOT ENOUGH. My social life is completely gone compared to last semester. I actually went out and had fun. Now I sit around and study.. and DD for my friends. Woo.
Yeah i can complain all I want but there's a reason I do this. I am trying to get good grades. I am trying to make-up for not trying hard enough before. And I am trying to stay at the place that I love. I am stressing myself out so much about leaving WSU that I had a panic attack the other night. But I am trying. I can't imagine having my life change to the point of where I'm not at Winona anymore. I can't imagine a world without my friends, becasue that's what my life would be. I'd have my hennepin tech work and my family. The end. Nothing else. I can't do that; I can't be that person that didn't do well enough at a State University that she had to leave. I am so scared that's who I am going to be, though. I'm trying to find other options. I'm applying to scholarships like crazy, I'm trying to find grants and other ways to get money but.. nothing. AS if I wasn't stressing over my program enough, now this.
But, this is life. Sh*t happens. I am always going to be stressed and there's nothing I can do but get used to it. And all I keep thinking about is something Grace, a fellow SIP staff member, said to me this summer,.
"If God can get you to it, He can get you through it.:"
End of story. I have nothing else to rely on but my ability to do well even with all the stress, and God. So here it is. I just want to stay where I know I will be better.
Yeah i can complain all I want but there's a reason I do this. I am trying to get good grades. I am trying to make-up for not trying hard enough before. And I am trying to stay at the place that I love. I am stressing myself out so much about leaving WSU that I had a panic attack the other night. But I am trying. I can't imagine having my life change to the point of where I'm not at Winona anymore. I can't imagine a world without my friends, becasue that's what my life would be. I'd have my hennepin tech work and my family. The end. Nothing else. I can't do that; I can't be that person that didn't do well enough at a State University that she had to leave. I am so scared that's who I am going to be, though. I'm trying to find other options. I'm applying to scholarships like crazy, I'm trying to find grants and other ways to get money but.. nothing. AS if I wasn't stressing over my program enough, now this.
But, this is life. Sh*t happens. I am always going to be stressed and there's nothing I can do but get used to it. And all I keep thinking about is something Grace, a fellow SIP staff member, said to me this summer,.
"If God can get you to it, He can get you through it.:"
End of story. I have nothing else to rely on but my ability to do well even with all the stress, and God. So here it is. I just want to stay where I know I will be better.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Interesting Find
I was cleaning my room today, thanks mom and dad, and found this poem I wrote at the end of my senior year.
What if the past were gone,
it had all been erased.
Would you make the same mistakes?
What if I had never existed,
I was dropped off the earth,
would you care enough to look for me?
What if you never made mistakes,
you were completely perfect,
would you be yourself/
I have made too many mistakes,
to ever be perfect.
I have looked too hard for lost friends,
to find any of them.
I did all of these things,
and lost myself in the process.
I need my past.
I love my mistakes.
I enjoy my true friends.
And more importantly,
I cannot fathom being anything other than,
myself.
WOAH. lol I never expect that out of myself. A lot of my old writing is pretty bad actually.. until I saw this.. hmm :) food for thought
What if the past were gone,
it had all been erased.
Would you make the same mistakes?
What if I had never existed,
I was dropped off the earth,
would you care enough to look for me?
What if you never made mistakes,
you were completely perfect,
would you be yourself/
I have made too many mistakes,
to ever be perfect.
I have looked too hard for lost friends,
to find any of them.
I did all of these things,
and lost myself in the process.
I need my past.
I love my mistakes.
I enjoy my true friends.
And more importantly,
I cannot fathom being anything other than,
myself.
WOAH. lol I never expect that out of myself. A lot of my old writing is pretty bad actually.. until I saw this.. hmm :) food for thought
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Lack of Sleep + Stress = BAD
So these past two weeks have been very stressful. Last week was just because I had a presentation due monday. But here's my schedule:
Monday - did my presentation, then had to work on my bio presentation
Tuesday- bio, work on comm theory, comm theory, write rough draft for lit studies paper, work on bio project and go to UPAC meeting
Wednesday- lit sudies rough draft, comic class, do paper and bio project, sorority meeting, more homework
Thursday - bio, work on comm theory, comm theory, give blood (DEAR GOD IM SCARED) do more homework and then sorority stuff
Here's the deal though, ti doesn't seem like a big deal except I was basically doing all the work for my lit studies class. Well, Jessie and I because our freshman partner (who puts a freshman in a 290 class?!?) would't do anything. And I literally mean she didn't do anything. She set up the power point but Jessie and I did EVERYTHING ELSE. It's the same with my bio presentation. No no one is taking charge so now I am gathering info and putting it in a power point. It frustrating! I WAS NEVER THIS LAZY AS A FRESHMAN. EVER. And I'm not going to let my grade suffer because their lazy so of course i'll do the work. Thank you, conceited and lazy generation, for making my life so difficult.
Monday - did my presentation, then had to work on my bio presentation
Tuesday- bio, work on comm theory, comm theory, write rough draft for lit studies paper, work on bio project and go to UPAC meeting
Wednesday- lit sudies rough draft, comic class, do paper and bio project, sorority meeting, more homework
Thursday - bio, work on comm theory, comm theory, give blood (DEAR GOD IM SCARED) do more homework and then sorority stuff
Here's the deal though, ti doesn't seem like a big deal except I was basically doing all the work for my lit studies class. Well, Jessie and I because our freshman partner (who puts a freshman in a 290 class?!?) would't do anything. And I literally mean she didn't do anything. She set up the power point but Jessie and I did EVERYTHING ELSE. It's the same with my bio presentation. No no one is taking charge so now I am gathering info and putting it in a power point. It frustrating! I WAS NEVER THIS LAZY AS A FRESHMAN. EVER. And I'm not going to let my grade suffer because their lazy so of course i'll do the work. Thank you, conceited and lazy generation, for making my life so difficult.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Get It? Got It? Good.
4 weeks in. 3 papers, 3 projects, 4 tests, 9 quizes. That's what I've been up to the past 4 weeks. All that, plus CRU and breathe. And then put IOX in the mix and you have my life. To be honest, this is not where I saw myself when I thought of this school year. I didn't expect some of my friends to turn into the people they did. I also didn't expect to be as close to some of theses girls as I am. It was a blessing in disguise.
See I pictured myself being besties with my pledge class again; doing everything together studying together, just being together again. And that's how it was for.. maybe a week. Now I am constantly with Alisha and Lindsey (who were always a given) plus Jo and Keely. I should have seen it coming, since Lindsey and Keely were so close in the beginning, but I am just surprised. I forgot how good it felt to have real friends. And yeah there's some drama, and there always will be, but I'm very glad to be where I'm at. I thank God every day for the life that I have been given. I want to thank Him for my family as well, because I know that no matter what they will always have my back <3
See I pictured myself being besties with my pledge class again; doing everything together studying together, just being together again. And that's how it was for.. maybe a week. Now I am constantly with Alisha and Lindsey (who were always a given) plus Jo and Keely. I should have seen it coming, since Lindsey and Keely were so close in the beginning, but I am just surprised. I forgot how good it felt to have real friends. And yeah there's some drama, and there always will be, but I'm very glad to be where I'm at. I thank God every day for the life that I have been given. I want to thank Him for my family as well, because I know that no matter what they will always have my back <3
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